Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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