I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
