Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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