Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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