So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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