Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
