Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
