i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
