omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
