i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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