My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
