There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Im part way to drunk.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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