If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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