honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
