he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
