the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
