Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
