you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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