listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
