I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
