i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
