Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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