i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
what the fuck happened to the tacos
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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