Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Randomize
