My sheets look like a crime scene.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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