So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
