if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize