Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
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He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
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There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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