Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
