Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize