the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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