I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Text me some of your sweat
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
