I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
