the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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