I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
