Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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