I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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