I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
