I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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