apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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