i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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