i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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