Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
