just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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