I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
