I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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