Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
