Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
