my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
