He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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