So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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