The best revenge is premature balding
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
