I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
